Roz (rozzie111) wrote,

i just got home like an hour ago. and then i cleaned the kitchen. haha. it might sound like a small thing, but i dont know, i was very proud of myself. this might sound like im a selfish bitch because i rarely ever clean the kitchen, but the feeling of accomplishment once you do something like that is great. and the feeling that i didn't have to be told, and it wasn't even my stuff that i was cleaning up, it made me feel good. i love those feel good moments.

i had another one today when i walked by one of those guys that waves people to cross the road. and i gave this guy this huge smile and said arigatou and he smiled back and said thanks back. because honestly, how many times do you think they get a thank you for doing that boring as hell job? not very often. and well, i felt like maybe id improved that guys life. and i know this sounds really really corny but its almost midnight and im in a corny mood.

tonight i went out with yotam and laura and catherine. it was really fun. i really really miss yotam. a lot. i laughed a lot. i really do think that when im not around a guy i like, which honestly, i have been quite a lot, i feel kind of like the pressures taken off me, like i duno i just felt more free and i dont think i nessacarily act different around him, but i feel like i think about what im saying and doing maybe a bit more, and that can get kind of exhausting.

the funny thing is, i say all this shit now and at challenge day the only thing i felt i really said of any value was that i get stressed because of schoolwork. like honestly, i felt so... normal in that situation.

challenge day was... hmmm. i still dont really know what i think about it. i didnt like how i felt guilty because my stories won't as tragic as everyone else. or maybe not guilty, but i felt weird because i didn't have anything as dramatic as other people to share.

i think my family was kind of a weird group. i mean i know thats what it was supposed to be, but i just didn't really connect with any of them. i mean, i sympathized with them, but i didn't really feel like... i dont know, it didn't really hit home for me that much. sometimes the drama just seemed a bit overdone, but yea, i duno.

the cross the line thing. yea, too broad. just like emily said, the hit at home thing? i crossed cz i yell and hit my sister and i get the same back, almost every day, but when i saw that like no one crossed the line i was like 'hmm... maybe i shouldn't have crossed, and i was a bit scared that some adults would think that i was like being beaten at home. and like... spanked? i was spanked when i was a kid but it hasn't messed me up. in some situations i think kids need to be spanked. but yea.

the most powerful part of the day was seeing people i know at the end go up in front of everyone and open up. see thats why i dont think i felt that connected to ppl in my group. for me it was more powerful to see people that ive gone to school with forever go up in front of everyone and just open up. but i mean, my dad made an interesting point, what do people gain from that? i mean, aside from me seeing that i dont really know them as well as i thought, what does that person get from sharing that with everyone? honestly, if id gone up there, i think that looking back on it, i probably would've regretted it. and i think for some people, talking about it just brings up painful memories that they've already put past them.

bleh. im tired. homecoming tomorrow. apparently the guys are getting ready at my house too. should be interesting. never got ready with guys before. hahaha. i just hope him being there doesn't make my evening like a rollercoaster. its amazing how much power that they have over ur emotions. blah. i hate it.

im off to bed. im sleepin in til at least midday tomorrow. hopefully ill get rid of some of the darkness under my eyes.

see you all at homecoming hopefully.
i apologize for the long entry. ithink ill put some of it under an lj cut.
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